


Two Different Dreams

by Elphy



Series: The Law That's Called Love [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon Gay Relationship, M/M, Murphamy Week, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-14 02:09:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14125827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elphy/pseuds/Elphy
Summary: "I MUST believe that it's NOT too late. Without faith he will die. Because of me.""I want to hate him as much as he hates me but I can't."





	1. Two Different Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> This is the story of the strong passion what I feel for the (sadly not real) true love between Murphy and Bellamy. An alternate storyline of the original show, presented by the two protagonists different thoughts.  
> They deserves happiness.
> 
> (The events described below come from, without exception, the imagination of the creator, all the overlaps with the reality are just coincidence.)

MURPHY  
Why...? Why happens this to me every time? They left me alone again. The betrayed me. Again. They wanted to kill me for nothing. First time to be honest. I don't give a damn, I hate them. All of them. I do it alone, I can do it because I was alone in my whole fucking life. It must be a curse took me upon after my dad's death.   
He said "Do whatever you want!" then he changed his mind. As usual. Screw you Blake I hate you too... I did nothing wrong, nothing WORSE than the others. Bunch of bastards. What the hell, my chest hurts when I'm breathing. I hope those rascals didn't break my ribs.   
Hey Pike, I remember all of your pointless words! You taught NOTHING useful to us. Let's see what would you say to me if I'd ask you what should I do when my people kick me off for nothing and left me all alone in the ink-black, unfamiliar forest armed with one single knife? Huh? Do you say nothing? As I expected. But I'm staying alive. I'll show you I can.  
But I'm scared... it's too dark. I need to find a cave or something like that. This part of the forest is totally unknown for me. Oh yeah, and I need some food. Damn. I wish if I wouldn't be so clumsy hunter. Nah I don't care, I can make and set traps. That's not a big deal.  
What was that noise...?   
"Is somebody there??"  
Shut up you idiot... if something is hiding between the trees it knows now that I AM here. Think Murphy, for fuck's sake.  
I feel it's eyes. It stare at me. Right me. But I don't see anything... I'm scared  
It's moving. Coming to me. There is no place to run, no way I know, it's too dark. What is that creature? Big, I hear.   
What the... it's a MAN! A grounder! A real giant... he can kill me by his pure hands. If he wants. And he wants, I feel. I see the hate and disgust on his expressions... I don't want to die here, I don't want to die!   
Screw you Blake it's all of your fault! I just wanted to be your friend...

BELLAMY  
Too late too late too late!   
No. I MUST believe that it's NOT too late. Without faith he will die. Because of me. Only me. It's morning already, the sun rose, we have bigger chance to find his clues. I must believe that we can find his clues. Finn promised to me he can do it and I put my trust in him.  
What I wanted to prove by sacrificing him? Because it was that, human sacrifice on the altar of my vanity. Nothing else. Nothing noble or lofty. I wanted to be a leader at any costs, giving everyone what they want, and I was too blind and foolish to notice that it's impossible. I failed. I almost killed the boy who was always loyal to me. I'm not a leader just a hangman...   
We are only 5. Enough I guess. Finn is the best track finder, Miller and Atom are pretty good warriors and this asian guy, Mark... he is a creepy thing but Finn swore that he has unbelievable skills to notice details and he is smarter than all of us together. If I look at him better I doubt this, he is too young, no more than 14, maybe 15 and too skinny. Too small. He can't fight if it will be necessary.  
Here is the ravine where we left him alone. Where I ordered the others to kill him but Clarke saved his life... or who knows. A few hours ago she opposed my plan to go to search him, and she didn't want to let Finn to come with us. But Finn has his own will, thanks gods.   
They're looking at me oddly. Yes I weep and then what? I regretted my madness in vain, he is not here anymore and I don't know whether we find him before the worst happens.  
Finn is really good, we just follow his guidance into the deep forest. I have absolutely no idea what he see between the leaves and branches. They talk a few words with Mark sometimes and then show the path to us. They are able to see what we aren't. Miraculous. I wish if their efforts would bring success soon.  
What they found now? Why we stopped? Oh... it's his knife in Mark's palm. HIS knife. That means he is defenceless now. I no need Finns talent to see the clues of fight around us in this green hell. I don't see any blood but terrible panic attacked me suddenly, I can't breathe, he is in danger - if he is alive at all.   
We must hurry.

MURPHY  
Where am I...? It hurts. My head. Daylight. Opening my eyes is also painful. What happened last night...?  
The giant grounder, remember now, he didn't kill me - yet. I wonder why not. I am his enemy. Or am I wrong? Too many questions for my tired mind.  
This is a camp as I see. A temporary one obviously. There is only one building, quite poor construction, old and ruined. Two grounders are standing next to it, turning their back on me. Good chance to escape. BEST chance to escape so don't hesitate - go!  
Fuck... the giant is guarding from above. He climbed up a tree and watched every move of mine. Now I understand why I wasn't chained or closed into the ruin. They are playing with me, godforsaken bastards!   
What should I do? My private bodyguard signalled to his mates, now they closes a ring around me, grinning... full with bloodlust... without mercy. I'm scared. They definitely DON'T want to kill me. They have much more cruel plans.  
What they want is an interrogation. By torture.  
No help for me...

BELLAMY  
Someone took him off. That's clear. The clues are blur, more and more difficult to find anything even for Mark. He is a hawk-eyed phenomenon, we just follow him, slowly, too slowly. I'm starting get lose my patience. The wildlife is making our way harder too. Stags and boars are very active today, as if they just wanna disturb us.   
We came really far, despite the slow pace, we could be to 18 or 20 miles from the dropship. Anybody has kidnapped him, have a plan with him - alive. I'm not sure this is good news or not. My mom talked about grounder tribes in the past who were man-eater, they devoured their enemies flesh for dinner.   
I don't want to think about this!!!  
We are walking as quiet as we can. Not enough quiet at all, the animals feel our presence, they run away from us but they make big noises. They might sign our coming to the cannibals. Oh fuck, NO! Not cannibals are here. I need to calm, otherwise I become useless soon. Almost dusk already. It's too late. We wasted a whole day. Holding his knife tightly in my hand keep my faith he is alive. I must believe we will find him, we can rescue him, and - maybe somewhere in the future - he can forgive me what I did against him.  
Wait a minute... I've really heard a scream? HIS scream? My mates heard it too they are standing frozen and stunned just like me instead of running towards the sounds. He is in danger he is screaming desperately but we just stand here between these cursed trees and do nothing!   
Finn squeezes my arm. I have never thought his fingers could be so strong. He sees the tears in my eyes, they pulling down wet stripes on my face, but he is also pale like a dead corpse and upset like me. Or almost like me. Hearing those screams is unbearable, I cant thinking...  
But we have Mark. Finn was right, he is smart. A cold blooded soldier closed in a kid’s body who is very good in building a strategy. The night fell down very soon, after several minutes only, we can do nothing in the darkness, such deep inside the enemies territory. All we can do is to spy around the place as thoroughly as possible. I have to agree with him. And as Miller said, we need some rest if we want to fight tomorrow.  
Tomorrow... too late too late to late TOO LATE!  
I must calm down. I see helpless sorrow and worry in Finn's eyes. He knows what I feel and he doesn't judge me for that.   
We need to close the place in the biggest silence. I don't hear screams for a while. The panic attacks again and suffocates me. Just keep breathing, I cannot help him when I collapse here.  
It's just a camp with one ruined building and a huge campfire. Mark and Finn run around staying in shadows to find out how many enemies we are facing. It takes a few minutes, I have time to look the place closer. I think I see him... Not sure at all but I don't dare to go closer. I'm so scared what would I see...  
There are 8 grounders in the camp. Eight fully armed huge warriors who were born to kill. And against them we are 4, Mark doesn't count in the fight. And we have no weapons either. These are not animal prey and this is not a hunting. Definitely not. We need a miracle to rescue my friend.

MURPHY  
I'm alive...? How... after that... impossible. Blessed unconsciousness.  
This must be the hell about what those crazy religious people talked on the Ark. If so, I must be dead. I’ve died when Blake hanged me up. So I cannot die again, my suffering will take eternally... brilliant. This should be the place to where the evils go after death. But I was not SO evil. I'm not a murderer, I did nothing for I deserve THIS! Or did I...? I killed my parents. That should be my sin.  
I can't endure this pain again. The fire...   
Whipping was not a big deal compared with fire. Cuts and beatings were nothing. But burning alive... unbearable. They don't know that I wanted to answer their questions but simply wasn't able to talk. Never thought this level of pain can exist... I'm already broken.  
I want to be brave and strong. I would be a hero if there would be something or someone is worth it. If I could be sure in that Blake doesn't hate me... if he would love me... he would be enough, I could die for him. Only for him. For that man who tried to kill me. For that man who abandoned me and who is responsible for this happenings. I want to hate him as much as he hates me but I can't.   
My wounds hurt so much... crying doesn't help... nothing can help I can't escape from pain... What if I tell them what they want to know? They kill me perhaps, I become useless. But if I talk, I betray the others. "My people", fuck them all. I would betray Blake... as he did with me.   
Footsteps... They noticed that I'm awake. I'm so scared so scared so scared... please no more fire. Please-please no more fire...!  
Hey what are you doing with my hands? Let me go... don't do this... no, not my nails! No! NOOOOOOO...

BELLAMY  
How the hell can they sleep? Well, it's silence and darkness and they are tired. I am tired too. But I cannot sleep. This silence is too long. It can't be that he died. I would feel it. I'm so sorry Murph...   
I said we need a miracle to rescue him and it revealed we have a miracle, named Mark Black. He has a plan. As Finn says Mark "dreamed" the solution. Great. Since we have no chance in a frontal attack against the camp, we have to distract their attention somehow. We have to achieve they leave the camp area for a short time. A few minutes would be enough. Right after sunrise two warriors went away and still haven't returned so they are only 6 now. Much better than yesterday.  
But how could we confuse them enough? What a surprise, they know that too. We will use the wildlife. Never thought I'd be happy about this amount of wild boars. The camp has no fence, so we can shepherd the pigs to this direction. They are so many that can confuse six grounder warrior for several minutes. Not a bad plan, it could work. But what if the animals hurt him, what if he can't move? We MUST try. We have no more chance.  
He's screaming again... his voice shatters me tiny pieces like glass. At least he is alive. Yet. Please hold on a bit more, we are in hurry. We are coming!  
The herd is huge! At least 30 wild boars. I don't know too much about these animals, but it seems unreal. As if some kind of higher power would want to help us. But the problem is these pigs doesn't give a damn to us. We have to do something that they run down towards the camp. My mind is frozen by the screams of him. I cannot think. I'm shocked...  
Damn, I know! Fire! Fire up this godforsaken forest. The smoke will help too, we just have to be faster than the flames. Mark and Finn can light up the fire, Miller, Atom and I will run between the wild boars. Awesomeness. Check our knives. Everything is OK. Everything will be OK.  
Mark and Finn finally bring the sparks to live. It was the time. How long can he still scream? The pigs are getting nervous, we have to prepare for the fastest run of our life. Light wind starts to blow... not good. The flames will spread faster than we can run. Well then, let's help the wilds, I throw a rock against one of them. Yess! They are running finally and we should to keep their speed!  
The plan was not perfect at all. We forgot that the grounders can climb up to the trees. Luckily they forgot it too, except one. I have no time to worry about it. I must find my friend as soon as possible. Another unbelievable luck that the animals bypass the campfire so they don't trample him to death.   
But... he doesn't move... despite this armageddon around him. So much blood... oh please be alive... please be alive! I don't want to lose you.

MURPHY  
Stop it... please. I have told everything. Everything I know. I'm weak... coward... useless. Broken. Empty. Emptiness is the worst. Empty spaces can filling with pain. Even breathing hurts. I'm so tired and I'm cold. Since I answered they don't need me anymore. But I wasn't killed. Strange... I don't want to die but neither want to live with eternal pain. Thinking hurts too. I think I'm the loneliest creature in the whole universe.   
What's this mess? Animals? I cannot open my eyes due the dried blood in it. To be honest I don't want to open them either. Why should I do? I don't really care what happens. Voices. That's odd. Human voices as I hear. Familiar voices... I must be hallucinate. Good. Welcome back, blessed unconsciousness.  
What a dream. I hear Blake's voice. He talks to me kindly. Worriedly. Gently. So it cannot be real. He never would do such things. I feel his hands on me. His touch is soft but no matter how careful he is, every touch hurts. I wanna cry, I miss him so badly.   
Someone lifts me up... my dream about Blake continues? What kind of dream is where I feel more pain as awake? The man who takes me grasps hard the burned wounds on my arm and my back. It's shocking, I run out of breathe so suddenly the scream gets stuck in my throat. He is talking unstoppable. He tries to wake me up. I hear only Blake's voice, but I'm sure it's impossible. He abandoned me. And tried to kill.  
What if I don't dream? If Blake REALLY came back for me? And I became a traitor of him? What if he is the man who rescued me from the grounder's camp and holds me in his arms now? Too nice to be real. But then why I still hear his voice? Would be great to see something, would be great if I could open my eyes.   
My wounds get hurt increasingly... so this is definitely not a dream. Awesome. I'm breathing heavily, want to stop and rest a few minute. I say stop... and the sound what comes out from my mouth scared me terribly, it contains nothing human. Just a growl, impossible to understand. He stumbled upon something and I instinctively cling to him forgetting my missing nails... the unexpected pain explodes inside me. I must scream...

BELLAMY  
Why he doesn't react my voice? Should he be unconscious? I must hurry, the boars gave us only few minutes to act. But how could I lift him? I can touch him nowhere without causing more pain. What horrible wounds... sorry but I must take you away from here. I have to take advantage of the opportunity.  
He is not fainted. Not quite. He feels everything and I feel that his entire body shakes from pain. Miller appears suddenly from the thinning smoke and urgently warns me to leave. As he says just grab him up and go. If it would be so easy...  
I try to hold you carefully but it's so hard because you can't cling to me. Please give a sign that you hear my voice. Open your eyes or say something. Be rude, be cruel, tell me how much you hate me, tell me something "murphish". I'll take care of you, I don't let you die I promise. Just stay with me.   
Oh bloody hell I forgot the grounder upon the tree! What should I do? I can't protect Murphy and defend myself against this monster. I can't run away holding his powerless body in my arms. How unbelievable, Miller steps to us, protectively and threateningly, despite he has no chance against that devilish beast. I was hesitated too long, therefore we will die here.  
But not today... thank you Atom. You're a true warrior and Miller is a hero. What a team, my mates are the bravest guys in our people. I wish if you would have seen it Murph, as Atom stabbed that giant from the backwards. What a move was it. Miller is right, the other five grounder can return in any moment, we must hurry. Wasting more time would be luxury in this situation. And you are heavy, my friend...  
Thanks to our infinite luck the forest is wet enough to prevent the spread of the fire too fast. By the way I cut off at least one of escape directions. I hardly find myself such deep in the unknown forest, I need the help of Finn or Mark. We have to find them soon before the dusk fall down. I know that you are not faint Murph, I know that I'm gonna cause you pain holding you too tight but as I get tired it's getting harder to take you... but I swear I won't leave you behind again. Just stay with me, please.  
Something happened, Finn yells to us impatiently behind a bush, and I don't see Mark. Well, he scouts the area, and his news are not positive. The remained grounders are hunting to us. Brilliant... so we can't stop and rest even a minute. Fine. Keep moving. Finn offers that he takes over my burden, but I refuse him. My friend - my responsibility...  
Atom and Mark have an idea, what sounds good: we should escape separately. They try to distract the attention of our chasers by running different ways while I can hide somewhere. Of course, Finn knows a hideout near to us, under the ground. An old vehicle. No time for guiding me to there but he shows the right direction then we divide ourselves into groups: Atom with Mark, and Miller with Finn. They will play the role of bait. They protect us... do you hear me Murph? They are protecting YOU.   
We left alone... how creepy is this silence. I must be very attentive, lest miss the car covered by leaves.   
Huh...? You want me to stop? I'm so sorry, we have to keep moving, otherwise our mates risk their lives in vain. Your voice makes me distressed... I hardly understand you. Don't worry you'll be fine soon, I promise.   
What was that... one of the grounders followed us instead of the others? But How? Damn...! He was shot at me. A few more second and he's going to hit me. How the hell can he shoot so precisely between the trees and branches?   
"Run, Bell!" I heard. It's Mark. What's he doing here? Oh fuck, an arrow wounded me. Not serious, I still can move but far not so fast. Please don't scream Murphy, we MUST hide, so I must pay attention to the surrounding plants and find that fucking car. It must be in the near, somewhere... unless I'm lost... the fate be merciful to us... I get definitively exhausted.  
Here... here is something under the leaves. Something metallic, or whatever. This must be the car Finn was mentioned. Oh fuck, we have to climb down... hold on, I solve it, don't scream, please, don't reveal our destination. Here we go. Arrived. Am I phenomenal or am I phenomenal? We are in safe now... You can rest, sleeping is good, it helps to heal. Just stay quiet. I wonder what happened outside, what happened to Mark and the hunter? I hope Mark survived that he warned me. But now we need rest. I'll protect you...


	2. Friendship Rising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He should be awake. I'm so nervous, how he will react when recognise me?"
> 
> "Dreaming time. He feels something for me, that's obvious. But what he feels exactly?"

MURPHY  
Such a nice dream it was. About Blake. I have dreamed he rescued me. I have dreamed he doesn't hate me so much. It seemed so real, I've heard his voice, felt his touch. He was careful but it had hurt. I want to continue dreaming. Even though the pain I felt.   
How strange... most of the pain was gone. My wounds still hurt, especially the burned ones, but not so bad anymore. That means no one tortured me for hours. Maybe they let me go. Nobody needs me anymore... even the grounders.  
It would be great to know where am I. Maybe I could open my eyes. Don't hurry with it. Deep silence. No wind, no campfire. I'm inside a building. I faintly remember something, there was smoke, and herd of animals, maybe pigs but not sure. There should be firestorm in the forest. Then I started to dream about Blake. I've dreamed that he lift me up and take me along with him. Well, someone truly brought me to here. But who? And mainly, why? Would be great to know.  
Now, let's go, open eyes. Half success, my right eye doesn't work, it's painfully swollen. Hey, my guardian washed the blood out from the left eye, I can see! What's this place? Small, made from an unknown metal, a vehicle perhaps. But it's dark. Is it nighttime? How many hours I've slept?  
Aaahhh shit! Moving is too early I think... nah that was painful. At least it revealed that they broke my right foot... or a few toes. And my back hurts too because of the fire, and of course I forgot again that I can't use my hands. Will be better if I just lie here and wait until happens what must happen. Time to continue dreaming. It's useless to thinking about future till I can't move.  
I'm thirsty. And hungry... Would be funny if I'd die of thirst after I survived all of this shit. I wonder whether my guardian returns soon or finished his duty by leaving me in safe. I call him guardian. Sounds good although I know nothing about him. I'm pretty sure he is male, after all I heard Blake's voice. Blake... Bell... I should better forget him.  
Noises from outside, someone is coming. Curiosity is killing me. A small door is opening... above??? What the hell? So, the guardian returns. Looks familiar, he is not a grounder, that's obvious. Now, now... the big moment... he turns back...   
"Morning, mate" he said.  
I... I can't... I can't believe. It's Blake. Really he is.  
And he is… smiling? I understand nothing. Blake saved my life right after he tried to kill me. It's meaningless! Maybe I should listen to him, he is talking to me as gently as in my dream. So it was not a hallucination. Blake took care of me, brought me here, became my guardian. He pulls out a shirt from his backpack and gives it to me. Well, indeed, I lost my clothes just my pants remained, which is stained with blood. My blood. And now he gives me water, gods bless him, also helps to drink. Newest exploration: my throat hurts too… 

Meanwhile he talks about the rescue mission, how heroic were his friends during the action. He said “our friends” but I doubt that they risked their lives for me. They did it for Blake's sake. Since he is the leader, the king of us. He talks cheerfully as if we would be the best friends, as if nothing would have been happened between both of us. 

I see a kind of fruit in his hands, staring at it, hoping he notices the hunger in my eye. Yess, gimme that, I'm starving! Oh boy I don't know what is it but I never tasted better food… my guardian stopped speaking, just look at me, as if he would like to say something essential.   
“Can you forgive me?” He asked. This question surprised me so much I almost drowned. I look at him the same way like he stared at me. Nervously but full of hope. I wanted this since I know him. That was my nicest dream, my heart racing in my chest, I hardly control the upcoming smirk. The minutes pass after each other in the most complete quiet I ever experienced. I want to scream YES but this moment is too ceremonial. I want to be honest, I want to make sure his feelings are real in connection with me.  
And I answered to him…  
“No.”

BELLAMY

This peace is good… how calming to watch him sleeping. Though his rest isn't peaceful. Weak, short groans come up from his tormented throat. I want to help to make his sleep as comfortable as I can. In my backpack I brought water. Maybe I can wash the blood out of his eyes. The other wounds seems too serious, I don't dare to do anything with them. Let's see, how should I begin…

Firstly I cut a piece of my shirt. I still keep his knife, so it's an easy task. Now I pour some water to the rag. And now wash his eyes. Only the left eye to be correct, as I see his right one is wounded. Fuck, my hands are shaking not a little… what if he wakes up because of my clumsiness? Be brave Bellamy. Show him that you're worth of his friendship. Just be attentive… gentle… careful… ready. Finished. When he wakes up he can open the left eye.

Thinking of I should use the evening half-light and search a spring or a brook in the near. We need gallons of water. Too bad that I have only one flask. Who cares, go and look for water. Listen the noises of the forest. Who do I want to deceive? If the grounder still hides here I have no chance against him. There is no sign of enemies, I can go and find that water. However I try to walk quietly. I don't want to go too far from the car, but I must to find something drinkable. Interesting fruits can be seen on a tree. Several fallen fruit are chewed by animals. If they can eat it, it's obviously not poisonous. Ummmm, let's taste is. Not too good to be honest, bittersweet and gluey. Rather bitter than sweet. But it's food. We can't be cheeky.

Oh hey, there is a path between the bushes, I would have miss it if I didn't come here to this bitter tree. As I have no other idea I follow this path. And look the miracle, here is the brook. It's clean like a diamond crystal. After filling the flask I head back to the car. The evening turned into night I was out for a long time. He should be awake. I'm so nervous, how he will react when recognise me? Will he be angry? Or scared? Or simply impassive? Anyway, I am going to be the softest person he ever met. 

I could hardly find it back to the car. Everything is black, but the car’s interior is the total darkness. There is a flashlight in my backpack… as I remember well. I knew it! At least I won't break my neck falling down. As I expected he is awake already. Embarrassing situation, he is staring at me like I would be a wraith. Or something worse. What should I do now? I could tell perhaps, how we rescued him. While I'm talking I give him a shirt from the bottom of the backpack. He doesn't looks amazed… the water is better choice. I help him drink to avoid using his hands.  
I tell him how brave was Miller when he stood in front of us, and how amazingly was killed the giant grounder by Atom. I tell him how brilliant mind Mark is and I tell him about the endgame when we were separated. In the middle of storytelling I gave him the four bitter fruits. My soul was filled with sorrow when I saw how quickly he eats those awful productions.

And now. I arrived to the end of the story. I have to ask him the most important question of my life:  
“Can you forgive me?”  
He stayed quiet… just looks at me with one eye, as the living statue of blame. I would give anything to know what he thinks about. I feel like an eternity passed in massive silence. But finally he answered:  
“No.”

My heart stopped.  
As I expected. What did I think, he forgets the hanging and the three day long torture? I just nod and break the eye-contact by turning my face down. He doesn't need my company. That's clear. And not a surprise. I have to do something prevent the crying, I should bring more water probably. Step closer to him and try to take the empty flask, deliberately looking away. But he tap my chin not caring with the pain in his fingers. He lifts up my head. Our eyes meet again. Flood of emotions weigh me down.

“I can't forgive you Bellamy. Because I'm not angry at you.”

MURPHY

I said ”no”.   
I was curious to his first reaction.  
His expression reflected … disappointment. That makes me happy. I said happy? Ridiculous. This is euphoric! Bellamy Blake has feelings to me. I might get chance to… to what? Make him my boyfriend? But he's straight and the least I do not want to be violent. I have to stay calm and play smart, so that I don't ruin everything before it begins.  
He don't want to look at me, avoid my sight, that's no good, I need eye-contact when I tell him what I feel. Good, come closer… will be hurt to touch him but I have to look into his eyes.   
“I can't forgive you Bell. Because I'm not angry at you.”  
Geez, not easy to talk about feelings. I'm not an emotional guy. Not really... But he is? Too dark here, the flashlight gives not enough light. I don't see well his face. Little, diffident smile appears on the corner of his lips. The sight amazes me, I could watch it for decades.

My stomach get growl from hunger and the fabulous moment dissipates like mist. Now he is smiling. Other kind of curse on me, the permanent hunger. Bellamy took the flask and leaving behind the flashlight, he merges into the black abyss of the forest. „Hey, Blake” I yelled „be careful outside.” I'm not sure he has heard…

What should I do until he returns? Dreaming time. He feels something for me, that's obvious. But what he feels exactly? Why he came back and rescued me from the grounders? He had his own reason, and I want to believe that was I. I would like to believe that he loves me. A little. Not as much as I love him, and surely not the same way. He loves girls – but I don't. I found him attractive at the first sight, and since we are on the Earth I find him more than attractive, I find him desirable. But I can't compete with girls.  
The other problem is, that his people won't accept us together in any form. Neither as friends nor as lovers. Mainly not as lovers. He might lose his leadership what was so important to him, that he was able to hang me up innocently. Not mentioned his acting after that. If the others turn against him, he will sacrifice me again.   
Except if we keep it in secret… that may work. If he wants me as well. Too many „if”.

Where is he already? How much time passed since he went out? He is risking his life for me again. My guardian.   
Finally. He returns. We should have determine a password, to be sure he is who comes. I turn off the flashlight, just in case. He is… who else could be? This car is under the ground. Nobody sees it, nobody knows it is here. Especially in darkness. 

He brought berries and those bittersweet fruits. Where he found berries at the middle of the night, in the deepest blackness? Mysterious. And he gives all of these to me. As he said, I am surely hungrier than he is. That's true at all. I didn't take up the shirt yet and he get the idea that my wounds need cleaning. That's also true, the cold water surely will do good to them. He begins with the deeper cuts, I can't say that I enjoy it but he is very caring. By the time he finishes with the cuts, the fruits are eaten, and I start to get cold. And he continues with the burns. That's better, it makes me happy that he holds my left arm gently, and cares the wounds carefully. Sneaking thought attacked my mind. Pangs of conscience and remorse. I must admit.

„I betrayed you, I've told everything to the grounders” I said. 

Fucking SHIT! When will I learn that I have to think before talk? I should have expected that he will be upset and squeezes me. „Bad timing. Sorry...” he whispers and let my arm down. I don't need to look at him to know, he is staring at my hands. And counts. The missing nails. I've lost eight of them before I lost my self-control too. And talked.To be honest I don't really remember what I said to them… whether he understand this? Scarcely. Therefore I try to explain him the feeling of ultimate loneliness, the desperation due to I protect those who treated me as dirt, who never accepted me and never will. He just looks at me in silence, then slowly caresses my hair off from the temporary blind right eye. His words warms me up like sunshine.  
„We will solve this. What happened is mostly my fault. How could I make you forget the horror what you had to live through?”

Now or never, if he thinks seriously what he said, this is the moment when I can get him for myself. If I fail, I lose him forever, but if I don't try and miss the opportunity, I'll have no more chance. Everything is put on one sheet…

„Kiss me.”

BELLAMY

What…? He is not angry? After that amount of frightfulness he went through? I seriously don't understand this guy. I would be mad at that man who turned my life into the cruelest hell. Wait a minute. If he doesn't angry at me that means he has a stronger feeling. No… that can't be possible. Stop thinking silliness. 

Hey, someone is hungry here! Oh boy, you ought to gain weight, I won't let you die from starving. The brook and the tree isn't too far, the moonlight will guide me, I need several minutes only. Hey Blake? So I'm Blake again instead of Bell? Fine. But don't worry I will be careful. Well, the moon is not helpful, I barely see anything. OK, at least I know where I am. Here is the tree with the awful fruits… I have to turn left to the brook. Bushes? There weren't spiky bushes… spiky bushes, like in the near to the dropship. This bush grows berries. Tasty berries, moreover. Incredible how lucky I am. So, the backpack is full with fruits, I just need to find the water. Let's turn back to the tree. Got it. Now towards straight, find the narrow path between the non-spiky bushes, aaand bingo. I'm phenomenal.

He looks so helpless. So vulnerable. So… hungry. I give him the backpack, eat as much as he want. If it's about food he doesn't shy. I think I wouldn’t do anything bad if I clean his wounds with water. Some of them seems serious, and I don't want him to get fewer because of an infection. And will be more comfortable for him without the three-day dirt. Let's start with the cuts. What kind of demon could do this?   
Now, the burns following. This one on his shoulder seems really painful. How strong, he endures my nursing calmly. Without hissing. Without a word.

„I betrayed you, I've told everything to the grounders” he said suddenly.   
The breathe stucked in me, my heart skipped a beat and my hands went into convulsion. I hear his brief scream… damn hell, sorry for pressing your arm.  
Not a great news, however. The enemy has gained the last advantage, they became unbeatable for us. But this treason isn't only his fault. I was who kicked him out. I am the one for whom he had been tortured. And despite what we did with him, he saved us as long as he was able. Listening him causes awkward moments to me. I can't imagine what could he feel.  
One thing is crystal clear for me: I have to try to restore his trust in me and our team. I must try it every possible way. Firstly I need to know what he wants, what could help him forgetting? His answer shocked me again.

“Kiss me.”


	3. How To Bury The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That boy had spikes too, in his eyes. The way he looked at me or at anyone else, was worse than thousands of spikes."
> 
> "If you can’t take on me publicly, then better if you leave.”

BELLAMY

Damn… I thought that something like this is hiding in the background. What should I say or do now? Oh boy, don’t look at me this way! Do I ought to tell you that everything bad happened because I have started to feel to you more than simple friendship? Should I tell you that I wanted to kill you because I was getting scared of my feelings? Or should I tell you that I so desperately wanted to deny the desire what had been awaken in me when I looked at your lips that I was able to abandon you? Could you ever understand this? Scarcely.  
I just should kiss him. Gain the experience what excites me so long, explore the love of such unique person like he. Sounds so easy, but I’m afraid from myself. I’m not ready for this.  
„Kiss you? Like a girl???” I can’t handle this situation, rather I throw back the ball to him. Maybe I lose the game, and I will never live through the passion he can give to me. I still deny, even from myself, that he is evidently not indifferent to me.   
„Not like a girl. Like a MAN.” he answred.   
He knows how to play this game. Let’s go Bellamy, gain that experience.  
„One kiss. OK? Only for your sake.” I made a deal with myself, not with him. I’m curious, I’m scared, and undoubtlessly happy.   
I take his jawline between my hands and pull his head slowly to me until our lips meet... he lets me to lead, does nothing. Both of us open our mouths a little, giving a chance our tongue to play. I hold him stronger, kiss him with passion, I feel the lust of him and I feel this lust grabs me too and pushes me down. No escape for me. Run out of breathe…

MURPHY

Maybe I asked too much. The pace is too fast for him. I should not have let me be so impatient. He looks embarrassed. And I see also something else on his face… he is fighting with himself. He wants me, I’m sure. Cannot hide his desire. It radiates from every cell of him. It makes him more beautiful.  
Kiss me like a man. Just be yourself. I want you to be honest, be innocent, be free. Be MINE. I want that kiss so badly, but I have to give him more time. This whole situation is new for him and I want our first kiss will be perfect. Our first kiss should be irresistible, unrepeatable but should raise the eager for the next. I can do it, if he accepts.  
One kiss, he said. I have only one chance to prove. I have to put all of my passion I feel for him into one kiss. I let him start. I don’t want to hurry. And he opens like a professional. I feel his fingers on my skin, I feel his palm on my jawline right under my ears, I attach my eyes into his gaze uniting with each other in our private universe. He pulls me closer to himself. And our lips meet…  
My lust explodes. The feeling is like an electroshock, shatters me into thousands of shards. And I push the break, don’t hurry, give him time to get used to it and enjoy the exploration. He isn’t a rookie. I feel his shaking while he holds me more and more tightly. Our tongues play the ancient game of love, I can’t keep my cold blood anymore. I kiss him all with my passion, and he gives it back to me, I want this kiss never ends… I love you Blake, I love you so much…

 

BELLAMY

“That was the kiss of the man...” he whispered. His voice is weak and stumbling, he is exhausted just like me.  
„And yours was the kiss of the lover. Since when do you love me?” I asked. But he retreats immediately, the same way as in the past. I have got the answer from his reaction but I want to hear it from him. „Since when, Murphy?” I asked again, a bit louder.  
„Since the first meet, as you know it well.” his voice even weaker than earlier. He kisses me again, his lips are hot and greedy. Then he starts to replay that remarkable scene of our life and I remember the first meet, as if it would have been yesterday.

He was a prisoner, I was a cadet – at least I thought I am. My duty was to go with an adult guard to the prison block and watch how I should behave in the future when I will be a guard too. The delinquents have free time then, they were acting like kids, spent their time with sport, playing, talking, doing fun with each other.   
Except one boy. He stood next to the wall and just watched the others without any emotions on his face. He seemed the most hopeless human being in the history. I asked my attendant about him, and after he answered, I asked that may I talk to him a few words or is it forbidden to contact the prisoners… he said I talk to him free, but don’t expect answer, he rarely communicate in verbal mode.   
When we arrived to him, I spoke to him, asked him about his health and similar pointless things, and he answered briefly, officially, as everyone else talk to a guard. But he talked to me, and I was happy for that. After many weeks, when we met again I found him on the same place, alone as usual. As I watched him I was grateful for I have a family, because in that time my mom was still alive and my sister was a secret. The same guard was my attendant who the last time, and he let me to talk again. I stepped closer to the boy, I tried to be kind and he seemed appreciating it. His eyes were cold and sharp like a piece of ice but his lips… well I stared at his lips while he was talking, and when he noticed it, sent a tiny smile to me, but stopped speaking. 

I listen his memories. Look at his face, his lips, what drives me crazy and boils my blood. And I'm getting more and more ashamed after every word of him.  
In the prison he reminded me to a hedgehog, a little animal was living on the Earth, what in case of danger shows its spiky skin to the enemy, which can’t harm but keep away everything from it. That boy had spikes too, in his eyes. The way he looked at me or at anyone else, was worse than thousands of spikes.   
My attendant said after we left the cells that I should be careful, because the boy likes me. Those words burned me like poison drops, made me sick, and I avoided the further visits of the prison block. Months passed until we met again. And changed nothing. Apart from the fact that meanwhile I lost my family as he did. He seemed satisfied for seeing me, but I had no mood to him, and he didn’t forced it. Then we haven’t met until the launch…  
He finishes the remembrance and I feel the deepest shame of my life. I created a monster. I can’t say a word. He loves me for years. For long years, hopelessly and in secret. And I wanted to kill him. I will never forgive this to myself. I caused him so much suffering unwittingly. Full of regret in my soul I hug him carefully and kiss him again. I try to give him all of my suppressed emotions, just hoping he feels what I mean. I never want to lose him again.

MURPHY

I have to stop this before something wrong happens. Take a break, Murphy, breathe deeply, relax, you lose him if you are too fast… but I was waiting too long for this kiss. And now I want more. I want more kisses and I wish he give me that what he has only shared with the girls so far. Do you said I kiss like a lover? Because I AM, you lovely idiot…   
No. He isn’t stupid. He knows. He remembers. He asks me “since when” but he knows it well. I tell him and escort my admit with another kiss, proving the truth of my words, relaying the desperate passion which has accumulated in me over the years. And I relive the first meet – I share my impressions with him despite he remains in silence. I feel urgent wish to talk to him about my feelings, because if I don’t do that, it will strangle me.

I was a prisoner, and he was a guard candidate. Or something like that. Living in a skybox isn’t too exciting, I soon lost my mood to play along with the others, I just stood or sat next to the wall and watched them. And didn’t care about what they do… I didn’t care about anything. Until I glimpsed someone in the corridor.   
“That was you. Like a vision. I saw that you don’t suit to this place. Despite to the uniform, you were different. Innocent. And beautiful...” I take a little pause, enjoy him being embarrassed. “I tried to catch your gaze, tried to mesmerize you to come to me closer. It worked, you noticed me, moreover you talked to me. In that moment I felt crazy butterflies in my stomach. Then you left and I stayed alone again. For weeks. I was waiting for you every day, with less and less hope, but I didn’t give up. I became grumpy and aggressive, until I finally couldn’t tolerate the presence of others near to me.”

Another pause… I cause him uncomfortable moments. I see on his expressions that he remembers too, but not the same way. And he don’t say a word… so I have to continue.  
“And then arrived the day you came back to the prison block, making me incredibly happy, even before I almost forgot how to be happy. I enjoyed your company so much that I noticed your hiding desire too late. You stared at my lips as you did it so many times here on the earth as well. Why did you deny that? What’s wrong with it? See Miller… he never kept in secret his feelings and no one hates him for being gay.”  
Deep breath… I let him remember. But he don’t share his thoughts with me… that makes me upset. Another deep breathe, be patient Murphy, this few moment doesn’t count compared to years.

“Then you left me alone again. I sunk into depression, became more and more aggressive, I didn’t want to leave my cell for weeks. The others started to scared from me, and they were fucking right, I could have killed anyone with my pure hands. On the surface I remained quiet, while inside I was getting mad. I spread my madness dropwise, I cursed everyone around me. And then you appeared again, but did the worst thing I could expected, you ignored me. With this step you destroyed the human inside me and created that crazy sarcastic asshole who everybody knows. I don’t want to blame you, so don't do it, I just want you to know I am not able to endure another refusal if you plan something like that. If you can’t take on me publicly, then better if you leave.”  
Uuuhhhh…. That was hard. But fucking true. He must make a decision. I feel myself light and empty. I told him all of my secrets, all of my fears, all of my hopes. I put my life into his hands. And he is still quiet. Suddenly he gifts me with a delicate hug and the hottest kiss I ever dreamed.   
I lost in his arms, I'm crying for relief and euphoria: he choose me. He put me in front of everything else. 

BELLAMY

We need to rest. Finn come back for us tomorrow, we have to regain our strength. This place is too small to be comfortable for two person, so I lean to the wall giving him more space to lie leisurely. Nah, what’s he doing again? He places his head into my lap… crazy kid, this posture is far not comfortable to him. But if he wants to sleep this way, I won’t protest against it.   
I put my hand on his head and caress his hair. Slowly. Playing with a lock of hair, I enjoy to feel it between my fingers. I can’t keep my eyes open, I’m too tired after this day. Guarding his dreams is my duty tonight.  
“I love you Murphy… thanks for the second chance.”

MURPHY

We should rest, I’m tired. But my thoughts keep me awake. I got him… really, really got him. I’m not dreaming. He chose me. I still hardly believe it…  
He said Finn come back for us tomorrow. For US? And what after that? We return to the camp as a couple? I cannot imagine that scene. He retracted to give me place to lie down, but I want his proximity while I sleeping. I use his thigh as a pillow… not very comfortable I must admit it. But he caresses my hair, for this I could bear even worse situation.   
He loves me… I don’t simply get cure from his words, I reborn. Every birth is painful, mine isn’t exception. If that three days of hell was the price for this heaven, I paid it willingly. It was worth it. He loves me. It’s enough.


	4. Victory Of Temptation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I feel it, the air is vibrating between us. I could swear I see electrical sparks instead of waterdrops on his eyelashes."
> 
> "Let me lead you now, let me introduce myself and I will help you enter the world of true love."

BELLAMY

Hmm…? It’s morning? Oh shit I don’t feel my legs. Not comfortable to sleep by sitting. But he is still sleeping peacefully, without nightmares. He is sleeping in my lap like my sister did when she was toddler many years ago. She put her trust in me and I couldn’t save her. Now here is this boy who does the same, whether can I save him? How much he loves me anyway? How can he trust me so much after I treated him? I don’t deserve this amount of love.   
Mostly because I have to wake him up. I need to go out soon before something awkward happens. He is sleeping so calmly. I can’t disturb his dreams and bring him back to the reality. Instead of it I'm trying to get out from under him. Not easy to be honest.

Oh boy, I failed, he woke up. I see the pain in his eye. I knew it that his posture isn’t convenient. His breathes are fast and short and hot. Don’t have fever, please. After the first panic I see him smiling, this sight is brighter than sunshine itself. I don’t know what he feels, he doesn’t complain. My need to go out is increasingly urgent. So I tell him that.  
“Me too” he said.  
New challenge. But now I am the first. When I came back I'm seeing that he tried to stand up, without a success. I remember, one of his feet is broken… nah, how will I take him out of here? When we have come he was almost unconscious but now I can't carry him like a sack of sand. I don't want to hurt him anymore.  
We make a plan, together. I help him to stand up, I climb out and pull him out too. Somehow. I can grab his wrist perhaps. Hoping I'm strong enough for this move, we start the process. I'm out, he lifts his arms, now will reveal what kind of man am I. I hold his wrists, he helps as much as he can, and we do it with a heavy fight. He's shaking from pain but swallows the tears, doesn't even complain. 

I let him rest for a few minutes while looking for a thick bough what he can use as crutch. OK it wasn't difficult. One of the benefits of a forest. He is lying on the ground as I left him. So hard to me seeing him suffering. It comes to my mind that just four days ago I was ready to kill him. Then I didn't care about his feelings. No, that's not quite true. I did care about it - that was the damn reason for I wanted to see him dead. He was the living temptation… still he is. And in the end I accepted that I can't live without him.  
With my active help he stands up again, and though he could walk I take him in my arms like yesterday. The brook isn't too far. In daylight it looks like a little river, flowing sluggishly. It's not very deep but crystal clear and cold as ice. Colorful round rocks covered its bottom. Beautiful.

I put him down near to the water. “I think both of us need a bath” I send a grin towards him. The look on his face takes my common sense. The half smile of those lips… the naughty sparks in that sapphire blue eye… that roving lock of hair in front of his forehead… I could stare at him until the world's end.  
The intensity of my lust surprised me. Where is that cold water… ? I feel such unbearable desire than never before. I must kiss him immediately. “Do you wanna swim with me?” I don't talk just exhale the words.   
“If you help me take off my clothes” he whispers suffocating. Of course I do. I want nothing else more. I do it carefully, trying to avoid his wounds, but my fingers cramped from the intense hunger. And this hunger is growing when I see that he feels the same. Dazzling spots are dancing in front of my eyes, nothing else exist outside of him.  
But this is not the right moment. I lift him up and go into the water. Freezing doesn't help… only one thing could help.   
“Why not Bell?” He asked despairingly. I need all my strength to answer. “Not here. Not now. We have no time and I want to do it when I can touch you everywhere. And more importantly I want that YOU can touch ME too.” Both of us are fighting against our desire. Despite the circumstances we'll lose this fight. I will lose it definitely.   
He is stronger than me, dives under the water and disappear from my eyes. I take a several deep breaths. Oh boy, you are the dark angel of lust. Without a doubt.

MURPHY

Ouch, don't move! I want to sleep… his remorseful, worrying gaze makes me smile. OK then, I let you wake up. I guess we have the same problem on this morning. He has easy task just jump out of the car, but what should I do!? I neither can stand up not even climb out.  
What a speed my friend! You don't waste your time. Now help me to go out. How? Good question.   
My wrists are fine, he can pull me up. If he is strong enough. I'm sure he is, I saw his muscles… they amazed me. But first I need to stand up. Tiring move when one of your foots is broken and barely can't use your hands. And that was the easy part.   
Now, pull me out. Try it again, don't worry I'm not so fragile as you think. Just try it again, I will help. See, we can do it together… shit how hurts my body everywhere… but I'm out of the car. Need a few minutes to pull myself together.

That's nice, he brought a crutch to me. I should learn to use it… although who needs it if I have a guardian.   
Holy sweetness! Fresh water. Unbelievable. Let's go, take me into the river. I wanna swim! Don't put me down…. aaahhh you can do whatever you want. Of course we need a bath. Do you know what we DON'T need in this moment? Our clothes.  
Oh yes, kiss me. I want more. You boil my blood, take my breath away, drive me crazy, you force my heart to rush. I'm dying from urgent wish to be yours. Kisses are no more enough to extinguish the fire inside me. 

Wait… no! Don't stop… why? We have time, this is a proper opportunity and you can touch me, I swear you can… the misery caused by lust is far worse than the physical pain. Don't let me suffer… please.   
Oh gods. This man was made of stone. That's my bad luck. I have got the hottest, most desirable human being but he is like a marble statue. Dear cold water, help me survive this ordeal.

BELLAMY

How cold is this river! I’m freezing… but I feel extreme heat inside me. Some kind of fever, it makes me weak, it makes me sick. Where is the tempter of my life? I need him… I have to touch him, I have to kiss him, I want to make him happy. Well, there he is. On that huge flat rock which looks like a round table. And he is the meal on it… appetising…. delicious… I want to taste. Now!   
Whether he is a virgin? What should I do then? I have no experiences in such situation. I have had sex with only girls so far. And I didn’t love them. Not this way. Not with this passion. And what about him? He loves me so long, without satisfaction, does he know at all what he wants? This must be clarified before I do anything. Anything fatal.  
Here I am my little merman. Holy shit how beautiful he is, even with those scars and wounds. As he is lying on his side and staring at me, I wonder how his hotness doesn’t melt that rock. 

“Did you miss me?” he asks while I climb up to the rock, and lying face down right next to him. The rock is unexpectedly warm. Yet he melts the rock… In other circumstances I would be ashamed being stark-naked. In his company I feel it natural. It must be the best feeling of the life, just lying close to each other on a warm stone and staring the other’s face. Seeing the other’s happiness. And feeling the devastating desire.

He leans on his elbow, breathes heavily and looks oddly at me. His eye is getting darker… something will be happen… he is waiting like a hunting snake. Full with tensity. I feel it, the air is vibrating between us. I could swear I see electrical sparks instead of waterdrops on his eyelashes.  
“You said I can’t touch you, huh?” he whispers leaning very close to my ear. His breathe is hot like lava. And in the same second he hits me! He slapped my butt, holy shit! It hurts… you little naughty devil! “Do you think I won’t give this back?” I ask and his answer pushes me deeper into the abyss of hunger.  
“I’m SURE you won’t give it back… you should give me something else now I proved that I’m ready for it.”

I turn to my back and sit up. “I give you anything what you want.” I purred but first I must know something important. “Are you virgin, Murph?” He starts to laugh aloud, heartily, honestly.   
“No, not really” he said while giggles continuously. “I was a prisoner, do you remember?” and starts to laugh again. I don’t find it so funny, but his cheerfulness is catching. Suddenly he stopped it, sits up too like me and caresses my nose. Then my lips. With one finger, as if he would draw my face. None of us can hide the lust what we feel.  
“Kiss me Bell… and give me what I want!”  
Well then… I give you what WE want. We are sitting opposite each other, that’s perfect. I catch his jawline like I did it at the night and kiss him softly. He puts his hands to my back, hugging me more and more tighter. I pull him down on me while I lie down to the rock, but we don’t break the kiss. I merge my fingers into his hair and grip it. Not too hard but firmly. And enjoy his moan.

Our lips are separated from each other when he raises himself and sitting astride on me. Oh yes, he can use his hands… unbelievable what he does, I never felt similar. Catches me like no one else before, the feeling is shocking me, my heart stopped for a while and glowing brightness takes away my vision. He knows what he does but it’s totally new for me. It’s so intensive, he is too tight and warm inside, so, so different than the girls. I grasp his cock, it seems he doesn’t need much time either to come to the end. He's leaning back a little, put his palms on my legs, near to the knees. His touch is delicate as a butterfly's wing but burns like flaming charcoal. I wish if he would be healthy and could grab my thighs harder.  
I'm getting close too early, I don’t want to finish it yet, I squeeze his hips as much as I can to force him slow down. And he pulls the break.. my hands are shaking, my entire body is shaking, I cannot hold back the joy, no matter what he does or even does nothing… his mere existence lights my fire up and burns me to ashes. The same flame is consuming us almost simultaneously.  
If I should die now, I wouldn’t care about it, my life has become perfect. 

MURPHY  
Swimming is fantastic. How lucky the grounders are! OK I can't calm down. What should I do with him? How could I make him to have sex with me? In the end I must rape him… not funny at all. But I cannot hold back myself.   
I'm getting tired. This hopeless desire exhausts me completely. That flat rock looks pretty comfortable. If I can climb it.   
Oh shit… so good to lying on this warm stone. Why it isn't cold like the water is? Who cares. Where is my favourite guardian? Ummmm, I see him. Let's play a fisherman, try to catch the goldfish. That's the real freedom, swimming and sunbathing naked. I don't remember when I was fully naked last time. Maybe never since I was born. But it's good…  
He is coming to me. I'm lying on my side and watching him till he reaches the rock. “Did you miss me?” I asked him waggishly. I can't believe…. he doesn't react. Just lie down right next to me. 

Who has ever seen such perfect body? No wonder that he doesn't notice me. Those captivating muscles on his upper arm and on his back… under that flawless tanned skin. His delicious chocolate brown eyes. And the other parts… what he refuses to give me.   
I became mad… the eagerness takes my common sense. Now I will force him. In my own way. You need proof that I can touch you? You'll get it. You want to touch me? Fine. You will. I'm really good in provocation. Here we go sweetie.  
Oh shit shit shit!!! His butt is too … sturdy. What a lucky pimp. I wanted to spank you Blake! And you know what, I will do it when my hands are recovering enough. You can be sure in that. Because you deserve.

Do you want to give it back? Let's do it! Spank me… but you won't. How should I prove that I'm ready for your love? I run out of ideas.  
What…? Are you afraid to my virginity? Holy shit Bell, that was that huge problem? I can't stop laughing. No I'm not, in the prison block you got anything what you need. And when you left me I reduced the hunger with other boys. I had several affairs including with Miller… oh yes he wasn't bad but I didn't love him. I always loved only you. None of them could replace you. Because you're matchless.   
“Kiss me Bell… and give me what I want.”

FINALLY. Do it. I'm hungry for your kiss. The lust is growing in me. It's getting bigger and bigger till it fills every cell of mine, but it doesn't stop here, soon overwhelming me.   
Let me lead you now, let me introduce myself and I will help you enter the world of true love. Oh you want me too. I feel your wish. You're blessed with impressive size. Is this enough proof of my eagerness, huh?   
Hey don't hurry. We have time, we have all time of the world. It’s breathtaking as you fill me perfectly. Do you enjoy it as I do? Oh yes, your gorgeous face is an opened book for me. Just touch me free. You can play with my joystick while I move. Oh sweet hell… I'm too close… what do you think if I lean back a little? And what if I grab your thighs?   
Too close. Just like you my sweetheart. Want me to slow down? Didn't feel the pulsation in my groin? Or in yours? Oh my dear Bell do you think you can stop the eruption of the ancient power of love? You're wrong… none of us are able to stop it. I wish if this moment could last forever. But I can't hold back… I'm following you to the heaven. Every wounds on my body is pulsating in the rhythm of my rushing heartbeat. And I enjoy this kind of pain.   
Next time… next time it will be even better. I will be more active. I'm going to give you what you really deserve. I promise.


	5. Too Nice To Be True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Should I be ashamed of what we did? Never. It was a heavenly pleasure, there is nothing shameful about it."
> 
> "I hug him so tight as if my life would depend on it. Because this is the truth."

BELLAMY

I've never had such powerful orgasm… though I didn't start making love yesterday. But this experience was the best in my life. So far. His passion amazed me, flooded me, gave a new life to me. I'm not the same as I was half an hour ago. By his gift I became free and weightless. He is the gift itself. A very special present. Only for me. I don't deserve him.  
We are still shocked after our euphoric moment. Getting lost in each others sparking gaze, suffocating from joy. He is smiling softly. I forgot my hands on his hips. Now I sneak them under his bottom, lift him up a bit and free myself from the sweetest jail in which I ever was. His deep, hungry sigh is a melody for my ears.   
Now he is bending down to my chest as near as he can. Kissing my forehead, continues caressing my nose with his lips slowly, then kiss me with fresh lust. He is incredible. Makes me active again.

“I want more.” He murmurs. It's not a wish… it's an order. My insatiable little beauty. “Let me show you what I am capable of. Turn your back to me…” I start to understand what he wants, and I'm hesitating. Whether I'm ready for this step? Only one look at his cute, wistful face is enough to me to know, I am definitely ready for anything what he can give to me.  
Standing up on my knees, I give him a shy kiss, and with huge confusion in my soul I turn back. I'm so excited… he comes quite close and put his palms on my shoulder, caresses me lazily, kisses my neck. “If you don't like what I do, warn me immediately. And I will stop. OK? Promise!”   
“I will.” I calm him down. And he begins. Caresses me everywhere. My back, my shoulder, my neck… my chest… my stomach…. and my hips, oh shit. Pulls his fingers through on my butt, it gives me wings. He is ready for love, I feel his cock near to my back entrance, but he waits to open yet. My heart is running. 

He continues to pamper me, embracing me with one arm, the other hand starts to play with my cock. It's still slippery after the previous game, he tries to hold it tight, moving it very slowly. Meanwhile he spoils my neck with thousands of kisses.   
The desire increases in me, I become impatient, want to speed the process, join my hand to his and would like to play with myself too but he refuses the initiative. I think my eagerness can't be more stronger. But he disproves this thought… “Do nothing… let me do it alone.”

“Do you trust me?” he asks and when I nod he attacked. This is the first time I feel another one inside me. He doesn't move, just hugs me stronger and caresses my balls as firmly as he can. The delight I feel is almost unbearable, and he doesn't let me finish. Now he hugs me at my stomach with both arms, presses his body so close to me as if we would be one person. And he begins to move his hips…  
All of the power melt away from my limbs. Cannot holding myself in vertical position, I fall down and lean to my hands. Panting. Shaking. Freezing and burning in the same time. Sooner or later I lose my self control. A short, quiet cry comes out of me. I must say him to accelerate.   
“Murphy… please…” never was so hard to talk. The desire suffocates me. But he stopped everything. Oh shit, he surely thinks that I wanted to break the action. “Don't stop…”   
“You cheater” he said. Bends down and bites my neck gently, again and again, while presses himself deeper into me. Lying on my back he grabs my cock, forces me to shout from enjoyment again. But doesn't speeds, he keeps a slow, permanent pace, until I feel nothing else than him and the indescribable wish for satisfaction.

Now… now… I feel the end. The end of myself, the end of the world. The existence what Bellamy Blake was until this moment, disappears in an impossible completion. What will born from the pure, perfect emptiness remained after the devastating pleasure? I don't know. I had been conquered and enslaved by a boy. My hands and knees can't hold the weight of my body anymore. Like a dead corpse I fall down to the rock. And I'm crying. Thick tears appears in my eyes, and I don't care about them. From now on I want nothing else than his love. At any cost. 

MURPHY

Mmmmm… he looks happy. I enjoy his happiness at least as much my own satisfaction. But I'm still hungry for love. I want to give him more, he knows nothing about making true love. He doesn't know how much delight can I hand over to him.   
So good to feel his hands on me. The comfortable warm palms on my skin. Yess, touch my butt… sooo good. Oh, you escape? Fine then. Your touch gave fresh energy to me. The ‘next time’ arrived, your turn comes. I will teach you the way of my love. If you let me of course.   
“I want more…” your smile means I got green lights? Can I prove your decision was perfect? Can I prove that choosing me was the best thing you ever did? Oh if you would know how many naughty ideas was born in my mind suddenly. 

“Turn your back to me” I said. I'm afraid he will refuse me, maybe this is not the correct date. He doesn't smile. Doesn't say anything. I get off him, let him thinking. I might did a huge mistake. He slowly kneels up in front of me. I see the hesitation in his eyes. Worrying squeezes my heart.   
And he kisses me! And turn back as I asked! Now I must do my best. I must add all of my obsession I feel for him to the upcoming action. No mistake allowed. I'm so happy… and excited. I constrain him to promise he will stop me if I do something unpleasant. Now I feel calmer. A little...  
Hugging him is a spring of joy. I still hardly believe that I can do this, hugging and kissing him free. My fingers run all over his upper body, from the back to the front, then return to the back, caress his butt… and grasp it. Not as well as I would like due to the pain in my fingers. But the desire to make him happy is stronger than any pain.   
With help of my woundless thumbs I open a way for my cock, lay it in standby mode, to be ready when the right time comes. And now let's prepare him for the greatest experience of his life. I have to find the excellent moment to enter, avoid hurting him. 

First I embrace his belly, holding him close to me. Then massage his cock. Oh yes, his tool is really majestic. Playing with it pushes me on the top in the twinkling of an eye. How much I want to go into him! But this game is not about me. Not now. It's his first time.   
I feel that he loves what I do. He enjoys the kisses on his neck, I leave little marks on his skin with my lips. Listening his pleased whining is a gift for me. I don't know how long can I hold back myself.  
What are you doing Bell? Do you want to ruin what I built so thoroughly? No way! I don't need help, so don't touch yourself now. Do nothing. Please. If someone, I know what it means to be unsatisfied. The time is here… go inside.  
“Do you trust me?” I ask… and he nods. I made it! Oh fuck. This is…. this is incredible. I came to the end. It cannot be possible! Uuhh, calm down and restart. I hope he didn't notice this tiny failure. Just a little break. I can't believe I exploded in the holy second when I've got inside him. Breathe Murphy, and focus.  
Continue the massage, this time with his balls. Mmmmm, I knew I don't need much time to grow up again. Slow down. I hug him tightly around his belly with both of arms and lean my chin on his shoulder. And I start to move my hips, carefully but full with emotions. I'm trying to stretch his innocent butthole not too hard. How ironic, he was worried about my virginity. 

What happened? Did I something wrong? Hey babe what's up with you? I stop move if you want, just ask me… “Don't stop” holy shit Bell, you scared me to death. I will punish you for that. I make this match so long you will beg for the end!   
You can't escape from my lips and teeth, you get try it in vain. Do you like if I bite you? Huh? Yes, we enjoy the same acts in love. We are on the same frequency. It's so easy to love you. And now I switch to a higher level but keep the speed. I make you cry from joy.  
I pulled the time as long as I could… but I can't impede the eruption anymore. I know you need the satisfaction already because I need it too. My organs turned into jelly and exchanged their places. I feel my heart beats in my groin, my stomach moved to my throat and my brain was completely ran away, let my cock to rule the entire body of mine.   
Now… NOW… I'm coming. I'm coming… oh Bell, help me endure this level of enjoyment! It's too much… I'm exhausted terribly, I gave you all of my energy. And I see it wasn't a wasted action. Sorry for I can't get off you, my limbs doesn't obey to me. Just like yours. I can't think, or speak, or even breath. But I see your happy tears, what crowned my success. Our success. I want to repeat this every day during my remaining life. Bellamy Blake, you sweet demon of desire, welcome to my world. 

MURPHY

I never was so happy and satisfied. And tired. Same like him. My sweetness, who trusted me enough to enjoy my love. I want to kiss his tears down. But for doing that I should creep upper on him, and I have no mood to move.   
To be honest I don't want to move anymore. I don't want to go back to the camp. Why should I do? I don't want to share him with the others. He is mine, my love, not their leader anymore. I want to kiss him in any moment, and not in secret when nobody sees us. I don't want to hide. But if we return, I will have to. For his sake, I will do it. I could do anything for him.  
My stomach is getting squeeze not from hunger this time. From scare. I will lose him in the camp. I feel it.

Kiss me my dear… I want to hold you for a while, as long as I may, hug me, caress me, do whatever you want… I need your touch more than oxygen.   
“What wrong happened” you ask? Nothing… no… I won't lie to you.  
“I'm afraid of return. When they will bully you because of me, I will be abandoned again. I don't want to go back.” And I also don't want to cry, but my despair is so strong like my pleasure was few minutes ago. How could I accept the end of my happiness?

He sits up and stares at me. I see the remaining tears of joy in his eyes. I feel terribly. I wish if I would be stronger. He lifts his hands… wipes off my tears with his thumbs. But there are too many tears. He grasps my jawline, it may be the favourite move of us, and catches the teardrops with his lips. He continues this till I calm down a little. Then he kisses me as a lover. Replaces his hands from my jawline to my nape, grabs my hair. He loves to gently pull my hair. I hug him so tight as if my life would depend on it. Because this is the truth.   
“Do you seriously think I could abandon you? After the last 24 hours? No way. I'm yours and you're mine. We will go back as a couple. And they will accept it. All of them. I do whatever I want. And I want to be with you. At any cost.”

Why I feel this is too nice to be true? He want to go back. Our date is over. The despair like a disgusting worm is writhing inside me. It's poisoning my thoughts. Takes my pleasure. I try to believe him, to trust him, but the memories are too fresh. He wanted to kill me a few days ago.   
I should talk to him about my doubts. Before we arrive the camp. I kiss his nose quickly and stop hugging him. He acts very attentive, try to calm me. Unsuccessfully.   
On the shore he helps me dress up, then helps me walk. I can walk on my heel, but lost my boots somewhere. I don't know how I will walk through the fucking forest on barefoot. I won't let him to carry me again.

As we are getting closer to the hideout car he suddenly stops. I hear it too, someone is there. Leaving me behind he sneaks between the trees, but after a few steps turns back and says all’s OK. Just Miller and Finn came back for us. For us… I don't want to go back.  
Miller gives me a short hug as welcome, and smiling shakes Bell’s hand. We were almost friends on the Ark despite my horrific behaviour. Finn doesn't waste any time for welcome. But he is who notice that I have no shoes. He takes off his T-shirt and rip into two pieces. Uses it as a bandage, twists around my feet. He is surprisingly careful with the broken one… now I can walk. I can go back. But I still don't want.  
Leaning on Bell's shoulder l follow Miller and Finn. I'm too slow. Maybe they leave us here, and we will lost, and I never have to return to those rascals. These hopes of mine was all in vain. They always waited us. I must talk to Bell about the worm in my mind.

“Why did you want to kill me?”   
He stops walking. Doesn't look at me just sighs deeply, running the fingers in his hair. He seems really embarrassed and frustrated. But he doesn't deny the answer and I appreciate it.   
“Because I have started to feel something for you. What I couldn't take on, couldn't admit even before myself. I wanted to erase the temptation. I thought the solution is your death… but after I left you in the forest and returned to the camp, recognized that it was the biggest failure of my life. I recognized that your death won't change my feelings.”  
He lifts his head and looks straight into my eye. I see only love and regret in theirs.   
“You said that you are not angry at me. I don't really believe it. Now I ask again, can you forgive me?”  
Yes, yes I'm not angry. But neither calm enough. “And what if your people won't choose you as their leader anymore? Because of me?”   
“They are OUR people Murph. You're one of us. You're my partner, my boyfriend, my love. My other part. Call yourself as you want, no one can separate us.”

The mind-worm stopped moving but still there. Miller comes back, asks whether he could help us. We say no, in the same time. Miller's grin means nothing good…  
“ I saw you on the rock… but don't worry I didn't let Finn come out from the forest.” He twinkles to Bell, whispers something into his ear and goes after Finn, warning us to keep the speed. We are not far from the camp. I take a deep breath. Miller knows it already.   
“What he said to you?” I ask.   
“That I'm lucky to have you. He's right. I am. And I never will hide my luck.”   
No matter how I protest he takes me into his arms. This way we gain upon them soon. Miller's still grinning, even Finn also send me a smile. These two looks accepted me. Perhaps the others won't be enemies either. My guardian mumbles into my ears, he will protect me. He repeats this so many time till we reach the camp that I finally believe it to him.   
And the worm slowly disappears from me. I arrived home.

BELLAMY

This is the happiest day of my life. If I will live forever this day still remains the happiest. It would be perfect lying here on the warm rock together with my love. My love… who is a boy. The other Bellamy Blake in the past would rage if he would be here yet. But he disappeared, irreversibly.   
My little naughty covers me as a soft blanket. He should be as tired as I am. This delight was cathartic. I am the biggest fool that didn't accept his love earlier. I wasted my time for girls who meant nothing to me… instead of I would have enjoyed the true passion. I'm so glad he could forgive me.  
He is getting cold, I feel his shiver and the more and more tight hug. No it's not the cold. There's something wrong with him. He hugs me like a drowning man, and shaking… but why?

Oh. Understand. It's scary for him return to the camp. His last memory from there is my treason. I'm not surprised he's afraid of going back. I want to calm him down, his sobbing hurts me, rips my heart. He's crying like a child. Perhaps he is, an orphan child who think he soon lose the only person, who is important to him. Well, now isn't enough if I kiss him, or say kind words. He needs a proof I will stay with him. But how should I prove that?  
Please don't cry, I will protect you. From anything. From anyone.   
I kiss his tears down, holding his jawline, because both of us love this move. My plan was good, he is getting calm down, but still shivers. He needs a kiss of the lover… and then came the time of the nice words.   
“I do whatever I want. And I want to be with you. At any costs.” 

I'm honest, I said every word seriously. I'm never going to betray him again. The pressure of his arms getting weaker, but still strong enough. And this shiver… makes me sick. What more could I do? I must remain patient. I must to prove he is in safe with me.  
During that time until we land on the shore he didn't say a word. He reminded me of that spiky thing again, just like in the prison. The hedgehog. This time I have to tame him, if I don't want to lose him forever.   
On the shore I dress him up. Slowly, carefully, patiently. The underwear, the shirt, and the pants… but he has no shoes. I don't remember where we lost it. Or the grounders took it? We will never know. So I have to carry him back in my arms. But he refuses it. No matter how spiky are you dear, I take care of you. If you would like walk, we will walk.   
That's not good, there are people around the car. Oh, just Miller and Finn. They came very early. Would be nice to know since when they are here? I hope they didn't went to the river… but why I hope this? Should I be ashamed of what we did? Never. It was a heavenly pleasure, there is nothing shameful about it.

Finn and Miller. Where is Mark? What happened to him after he warned me? I ask Miller while Finn takes care of Murphy's feet. Mark was wounded. Not bad at all, but he couldn't come this time. Clarke is the leader now. She and Finn. This news quiets me down. There is peace in our camp.

On the way back Murphy still refuses me to carry him. Therefore I uphold him, I am his living crutch. I feel he want to say something to me. I'm afraid, I know what is it.   
“Why did you want to kill me?”  
That's it… we are on topic. I tell him the truth, he deserves it. So hard to me admit what I regret wholeheartedly. I caused him so much pain while he gave only support and loyalty on his own way. Yesterday night he said he wasn't angry at me. And now, that he knows my reason? Can he love me like before?  
I can't believe, he worries about my leadership… lovely little fool! How many times should I tell you that I resigned from being a leader? I need only you. I have fought a hard combat against myself, and the lover won, not the boss.

We were lagging behind, Miller comes back for us. He saw us on the rock… so, good for him. He is the man who knows exactly what happened there. And I don't care about what he think. “Good choice” he whispers into my ears “if he asks you to close your eyes just do it!” and he winkles to me. What should this mean? Anyhow, I am the luckiest guy ever.  
I want to show my luck to the entire world. I won't let you walking further my sweetness, you're protesting in vain. I will carry you. Because I want to hold you. I will prove it I am worth your trust. I love you Murphy.  
Until the world's end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of the first part.  
> To be honest, I wanted to stop writing here, but my best friend convinced me to keep going. The different dreams of two troubled minds is not over yet.  
> They come back soon.


End file.
